GLOBAL FOOTBALL CLUB

Big Ron, Sir Bobby Robson, Kevin Keegan. All footballing legends, all cult heroes for their priceless and occassionally brainless punditry that we have all enjoyed over recent years. Not wanting to miss out on the chance for 5 minutes of infamy, some of Global's luminaries have staked their claims for admission to the 'Stuart Hall school of commentary'. To those mentioned below, we salute you!

"Most of its just b*llocks" - No better way to start than with the gaffer...so stand up and take a bow Jimmy. Admittedly not a football related quote, but Jimmy's recent theory on philosophy would have appalled the likes of Aristotle and Plato. And no Jimmy, they aren't members of the 1970 Brazilian World Cup winning side.

"It hit me on the nipple...you f*cking idiot!!" - Wardy has a minor disagreement with Tony Bousher over a penalty claim against Hadley B, although Bousher seemed to be checking out Jon's nipple during his rant!

"I wouldn't mind seeing that!" - Then new boy Rob Holmes immediately loses the respect of the dressing room when giving his opinion on the possibility of seeing a DVD of Sol Campbell and Jermaine Jenas bridging the North London divide in a Brokeback Mountain fashion.

"1 goal will win this" - An absolute pearler from Burak to Hughesy, less than 5 minutes before the end of the goalless draw at Lemsford A. Rumours that Dylan has lined up Turk for a job on Channel 5's football coverage are so far unfounded.  

"Don't f*cking swear!!" - Ref Kevin Moore forgets his own lengthy pre-match lecture for a moment...

"Only conceding 1 goal in 4 games is superb at this level" - Gaffer Jimmy gets the Premier League and Mid-Herts Division 1 mixed up. I can see the similarities myself...lots of long ball like Chelsea, lots of hard tackling like Bolton and...er...no thats about it.

"Ha Ha Ha take that you Pr*cks!!" - Doug endears himself to KCM after winning a penalty, and celebrating it in a calm and dignified manner, during the 5-3 victory at the Slope. Doug's one man quest to make himself the least popular man in Hatfield paid off as KCM spent the rest of the game trying to chase him down and allowed a John Sheehan inspired Global to run riot.  

"Tom's [Coulton] the man in possession, it's his position to lose as far as i'm concerned. No one's played better there all season, except possibly Daryl last weekend" - Gaffer Jimmy can't quite decide who the answer to the left midfield issue is...

"I'm only making one sub, Tom's [Ractliffe] coming off for Redders so we can have some pace on the left" - Jimmy decides Ratty's OAP esque pace isn't quite quick enough...

"Play the sensi-ball" - Jimmy's clearly been watching Countdown too much.

"Where are we? We're near the gender bender shop" - Sheehan makes that call in Bournemouth.

"It's D-Day lads...i'm nervous" - Dylan feared for West Ham's plight just a couple of times over the end of season weekend away...

"Lodge?" - Hands up if you didn't say it...

"Who's going to fill Si's hole?" Fisher asks the all important question...not an opportunity for a gangbang, but defending off a corner of course...

"It was the worst ten minutes of football i've ever seen. If I could have subbed him off I would have done!!" Jimmy enjoys Keygan's 10 minute cameo against Buttles, where he spent the entire time lumping the ball wildly out of play with his left foot...

"That was the best waste of a week's wages EVER!!" - Timmy Magic discovers the joys of sitting on his hands in Bournemouth.

"Did you see the size of her leg?!!" Dylan recognises the inner beauty of Chris P's Bournemouth conquest. No wonder she nicked Wadey's phone...

“In the 90th minute of the game I sent off Rob Holmes of Globel for saying your a f*cking cheating c*nt lines man. They was moaning at all the way back to the changing rooms” Bousher's articulate write up of his sending off of Rob Holmes confirms that Britain really is getting thicker...

"He's got a great touch for a fat lad" Therfield's striker implies that Matty might be quite good despite his 'robust' build.

"I've heard that 37 inch TV's are a better size than 32 inch TV's" Keygan offers to help Jimmy in his search for a new TV with some invaluable technical insight.

"I'm a potato waffle" Rob Day reveals the similarities between himself and the equally versatile kids favourite. Better than being a cucumber I suppose.

"My missus thinks i'm in Newcastle!" - God knows how, but Rich's other half reveals a sense of direction only second to Greeny on match day.

"F*ck my old boots!" Dylan's Bournemouth 2009 catchphrase became the must-say phrase of Rob Day's stag do...

"Rob [Holmes] is not coming to training tonight because he is going to see the Backstreet Boys at the O2 with his mum, just thought I would let you know." Sean shows what mates are for...

"Yeah well you've got a big nose!" - An inbred City Hearts midfielder's genius come back to Rob Day after Rob commented on the size of his gob.

"Man he was proper black!" Palmer points out the obvious skin colour of a Kings Sports Reserves player after the match.

"Don't you touch him!" Inn on the Green's Dunc rather gayly overreacts to Wardy's tasty challenge on Cannons...

"She had her hand on my..." Rich leaves it up to you to fill in the blank...

"You look like Simon Cowell" A halfwit Wanderers forward sees a similarity between keeper Dave and his keeping shorts and the X Factor overlord that no one else can.

"You're an owl faced c*nt" Bovingdon's unit brings a new level of quality to insults after being challenged on his obesity issues by Rob Smith.