GLOBAL FOOTBALL CLUB

Profiles

Dave 'SKD' Evans
Role: Club Chairman

Age: 33

Position: Goalkeeper

Previous clubs: The school of goalkeeping for people called Dave FC

Honours: Most Improved Player of the Season 2009/10, Club Man of the Season 2012/13

The man charged with the almost impossible task of stepping into club legend Dave Green’s size 9 boots is funnily enough also called Dave. After a frustrating summer where Global were exposed to the lack of goalkeeping talent in this country, out of the darkness of the sauna at Fitness First emerged Dave Evans – a talented shot stopper (likely to get plenty of practice behind the ten men in white shirts in front of him) who won instant admiration for Gaffer Hounslow for also driving a sales rep’s A3.

Carl 'Carlos' Fazekas

Age: 23

Position: Full Back, Central Midfield

Previous Clubs: Club Sandwich

Honours: Most Improved Player of the Season 2015/16

Half Greek, Half Brazilian midfielder, Carlos arrived as part of Gaffer Andrews 2013 summer spending spree. Versatile across the park, Carl has quickly settled in to form a key part of the first-team squad and has been a virtual ever present in Global’s pre-season campaign. Although he is yet to fully unleash his array of Samba tricks, Carl will no doubt bring more options to the side and provide Gaffer Andrews with even more selection headaches over the coming season. 

 

Ben 'Lord Benedict ' Gaines
Role: Manager

Age: 35

Position: Full Back, Central Defence

Previous clubs: Inn on the Green, Harpenden Rovers

Honours: 3rd - Players' Player of the Season 2012/13, Club Man of the Season 2013/14, Club Man of the Season 2014/15, Club Man of the Season 2015/16  

Experienced defender Ben was snapped up quickly at the start of the 2012 transfer window after the folding of local rivals Inn on the Green. Versatile across the back line, Ben established himself as a mainstay of the first-team squad slotting in at both full-back, and central defence. In his spare time, Benedict (his official name) is third in line to the Earl of Harpenden, where he employs Dylan to chase after the older ladies within the manor in a Benny Hill style.

 

Dave 'Schmeichel' Green

Age: Unknown...probably a lot older than he lets on

Position: Goalkeeper, Central Midfield, Centre Forward

Previous Clubs: Coventry University FC

Honours: Winner - Players' Player of the Season 2005/06, Winner - Players' Player of the Season 2008/09

Dave Green arrived with Global in the summer of 2005 when Jimmy Hounslow invited him to join the squad for a week's trial following a recommendation from Wadey. Hounslow was quick to spot Dave's cat like agility and snapped him up on a free transfer, beating off a number of rival clubs (including the Beano Fan Club and Club Tropicana)  in the process. Greeny has not let the gaffer down, with a string of fine displays between the sticks that have seen him establish himself as Global's no.1 and made him a strong contender for player of the season. With his crop of blonde hair and super quick natural reflexes he is easily likened to Peter Schmeichel, and few who have witnessed his displays this season could argue with that.

James 'Gaffer' Hounslow
Role: Treasurer

Age: 32

Position: Attacking Midfield, Centre Forward

Previous clubs: Oxford Brookes University FC, Athletico Quat FC, Bobby Davro FC, Spicer Street FC

Honours: Global Golden Boot 2004/05

Many doubtors in the press thought the Global board were taking a massive risk when they appointed a man with no previous management experience to the tough role of Boss for the start of 2005-06, especially after the miserable campaign Global endured the previous season. However, Global's results since Jimmy took charge have justified his appointment. With the tactical knowledge of Mourinho, the faith in youth of Wenger, the motivational skills of Keegan, and an eye for the ladies to rival Eriksson, Jimmy has all the right qualities for the job. Rumours are already rife that Jimmy is the man to take over from Sven in the summer...and he has already been caught up in enough scams to make him appear to be the best candidate for the job. The Boss also adds attacking quality when on the field for Global, although injury has made for a very frustrating stop-start season this time round.

Simon 'Paul Clarke' Lucas
Role: Captain

Age: 34

Position: Central Midfield

Previous clubs: Rowlands Castle FC

Honours: 3rd - Players' Player of the Season 2005/06, Goal of the Season 2007/08, Winner - Players' Player of the Season 2013/14, Manager's Player of the Season 2013/14, Winner - Players' Player of the Season 2014/15

Simon joined Global at the start of the 2004-5 season, after a baron season on the South Coast. In this short space of time he has shot right up the list of 'All-time appearances', and was awarded the greatest honour of them all at the beginning of this year, when he was handed the captains armband (this may have more to do with him being mates with the Gaffer than his actual credentials for the job). Since his arrival he has become an ever-present and well respected figure at the Club, although he has attracted his fair share of criticism, especially when it was discovered that he intentionally lied to get out of washing the kit for almost a whole season. Despite his inability to perform simple household chores, and his aversion to spending money at the bar, Simon is a valuable weapon in the Global arsenal, and has been one of the key factors that has helped to turn the fortunes of the Club around.

Chris 'Maradona' Palmer

Age: 33

Position: Centre Forward

Previous Clubs: Wheathampstead United FC

Honours: Most Assists 2008/09 (shared), Winner - Players' Player of the Season 2009/10, Manager's Player of the Season 2009/10, Global Golden Boot 2011/12, Global Golden Boot 2012/13, 2nd - Players' Player of the Season 2012/13, Manager's Player of the Season 2012/13, Global Golden Boot 2013/14, 2nd - Players' Player of the Season 2013/14,Goal of the Season 2013/14,  Global Golden Boot 2014/15, 2nd - Players' Player of the Season 2014/15, Global Golden Boot 2015/16

A man similarly adept to basketball as he is football, Chris Palmer has emerged as a key member of the Global forward line. Recruited at a short man’s anonymous meeting by Peck and Trav, Palmer’s tremendous work rate and eye for goal has become an important part of Global’s squad, as has his close bond and friendly relationship with striking colleague Sean Poynter. Palmer can also be credited with giving away 133 handballs last season – a world record.

Chris 'Crispy Cock' Peacock

Age: 35

Position: Centre Forward

Previous clubs: Marshalswick Rovers FC

Honours: Global Golden Boot 2005/06, Joint 3rd Place - Players' Player of the Season 2007/08, Global Golden Boot 2007/08 (shared), Global Golden Boot 2009/10, 2nd Place - Players' Player of the Season 2009/10, Goal of the Season 2009/10

One of Boss Jimmy Hounslow's most astute summer signings was Striker Chris Peacock. The rest of the Global squad were unsure what to make of a Corsa driving, bottle blonde during the pre-season build up. However, any scepticism was soon banished by a string of outstanding performances which soon established Big P as Global's leading goal poacher.  After an intial spell of only being able to hit the woodwork, Chris soon started firing in goals from all angles and became a Global hero overnight. His extroverted goal celebrations and slick dancefloor moves have further enhanced his reputation, and he finally got the hat-trick he has been chasing all season against Harpenden Rovers in January 2006. Self styled 'love god' (although this is believed to be a very large expanse of the truth) Chris is currently on course to become the clubs all-time leading goal-scorer in his debut season, breaking 'club legend' Mike Green's long-standing record in the process.  

Ian 'Neighbours....' Rodgers

Age: 32

Position: Central Defence

Previous clubs: Ampthill Town FC, Flitwick Town FC, Evergreen FC, Sun Postal FC Reserves, Parkside FC.

Well-travelled closet Watford fan Ian made an impressive start to life at Global during the 2012/13 season with a string of impressive performances at the heart of the Whites back line. Then all of a sudden he vanished. Rumour has it that he had either quit football to pursue a career as a professional adult movie star, or (more likely) had in fact been abducted by aliens after going AWOL for the rest of the campaign. The truth was finally discovered after Wardy finally peaked over his garden fence – Ian is simply the world’s slowest builder. Back and motivated for 2013/14, Ian will bring real quality to the spine of the side.

John 'Wallop' Sheehan

Age: 35

Position: Right/Left/Central Midfield

Previous clubs: Athletico Quat FC, Leverstock Green FC (Loan)

Honours: Goal of the Season 2005/06, Winner - Players' Player of the Season 2006/07, Manager's Player of the Season 2006/07, Most Assists 2006/07 (shared), Winner - Players' Player of the Season 2007/08, Global Golden Boot 2007/08 (shared), Most Assists 2008/09 (shared), Winner - Players' Player of the Season 2012/13, Most Assists 2014/15, Manager's Player of the Season 2014/15, Goal of the Season 2014/15, 2nd - Players' Player of the Season 2015/16

After requesting to leave Global at the end of the disappointing 2004-05 campaign, John endured a frustrating loan spell at Leverstock Green, before seeing the error of his ways and returning to the Slope during the 2005-06 season. He was quickly welcomed back into the fold, and his performances since his comeback have not disappointed. John has become a driving force in the middle of the park, with his attacking flair and Beckham-esque rangey passing style opening teams up. John also sports the best kept boots in football, and is now in the 7th year of wearing exactly the same toothbrush cleaned and Mr Sheen polished pair of Adidas World Cups.   

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